第58章 不存在的女儿 (1)
医生戴维亲自为妻子接生，发现双胞胎中的女
婴患有唐氏症。不忍面对女儿为智障的现实，他让
护士将女儿送走，并对妻子诺拉谎称她已经夭折。
善意的欺骗竟成了一家人的梦魇……25 年间，诺拉
不能承受丧女之痛，开始出走、酗酒，而戴维终日
被满心愧疚纠缠却无法言说，只能带着一架“记忆
守护者”牌相机去寻找女婴、女孩、少女的影子，
仿佛要为他那不存在的女儿留下成长的记录。暗恋
戴维的护士卡罗琳并没有送走女孩，她搬到另一个
城市隐姓埋名，以一己之力对抗社会的不公，尽力
给女儿一个温暖的家……多年后，戴维和卡罗琳再
次相遇，她对他说：“你逃过了很多心痛，但你也错
过了无数的喜悦。”
[ 美] 金·爱德华兹（ Kim Edwards）
March 1964
The snow started to fall several hours before her labor
began. A few flakes first，in the dull gray late-afternoon sky，and
then wind-driven swirls and eddies around the edges of their
wide front porch. He stood by her side at the window，watching
sharp gusts of snow billow，then swirl and drift to the ground.
All around the neighborhood，lights came on，and the naked
branches of the trees turned white.
After dinner he built a fire，venturing out into the weather
for wood he had piled against the garage the previous autumn.
The air was bright and cold against his face，and the snow in the
driveway was already halfway to his knees. He gathered logs，
shaking off their soft white caps and carrying them inside. The
kindling in the iron grate caught fire immediately，and he sat for a
time on the hearth，cross-legged，adding logs and watching the
flames leap，blue-edged and hypnotic. Outside，snow continued
to fall quietly through the darkness，as bright and thick as static in
the cones of light cast by the streetlights. By the time he rose and
looked out the window，their car had become a soft white hill on
the edge of the street. Already his footprints in the driveway had
filled and disappeared.
He brushed ashes from his hands and sat on the sofa
beside his wife，her feet propped on pillows，her swollen ankles
crossed，a copy of Dr. Spock balanced on her belly. Absorbed，
she licked her index finger absently each time she turned a page.
Her hands were slender，her fingers short and sturdy，and she
bit her bottom lip lightly，intently，as she read. Watching her，he
felt a surge of love and wonder: that she was his wife，that their
baby，due in just three weeks，would soon be born. Their first
child，this would be. They had been married just a year.
She looked up，smiling，when he tucked the blanket around
her legs.“ You know，I’ve been wondering what it’s like，”she said.
“Before we’re born，I mean. It’s too bad we can’t remember.”She
opened her robe and pulled up the sweater she wore underneath，
revealing a belly as round and hard as a melon. She ran her hand
across its smooth surface，firelight playing across her skin，
casting reddish gold onto her hair. “Do you suppose it’s like
being inside a great lantern? The book says light-permeates my
skin，that the baby can already see.”
“I don’t know，”he said.
She laughed.“ Why not?”she asked.“ You’re the doctor.”
“I’m just an orthopedic surgeon，”he reminded her.“I could
tell you the ossification pattern for fetal bones，but that’s about
it.”He lifted her foot，both delicate and swollen inside the light
blue sock，and began to massage it gently: the powerful tarsal
bone of her heel，the metatarsals and the phalanges，hidden
beneath skin and densely layered muscles like a fan about to
open. Her breathing filled the quiet room，her foot warmed his
hands，and he imagined the perfect，secret，symmetry of bones.
In pregnancy she seemed to him beautiful but fragile，fine blue
veins faintly visible through her pale white skin.
It had been an excellent pregnancy，without medical
restrictions. Even so，he had not been able to make love to her
for several months. He found himself wanting to protect her
instead，to carry her up flights of stairs，to wrap her in blankets，
to bring her cups of custard.“ I’m not an invalid，”she protested
each time，laughing.“ I’m not some fledgling you discovered on
the lawn.”Still，she was pleased by his attentions. Sometimes
he woke and watched her as she slept: the flutter of her eyelids，
the slow even movement of her chest，her outflung hand，small
enough that he could enclose it completely with his own.
She was eleven years younger than he was. He had first
seen her not much more than a year ago，as she rode up an
escalator in a department store downtown，one gray November
Saturday while he was buying ties. He was thirty-three years old
and new to Lexington，Kentucky，and she had risen out of the
crowd like some kind of vision，her blond hair swept back in an
elegant chignon，pearls glimmering at her throat and on her ears.
She was wearing a coat of dark green wool，and her skin was