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then spent her fury on your wedding apparel, which perhaps brought
back vague reminiscences of her own bridal days: but on what might
have happened, I cannot endure to reflect. When I think of the thing
which flew at my throat this morning, hanging its black and scarlet
visage over the nest of my dove, my blood curdles-'
'And what, sir,' I asked, while he paused, 'did you do when you had
settled her here? Where did you go?'
'What did I do, Jane? I transformed myself into a will-o'-the-wisp.
Where did I go? I pursued wanderings as wild as those of the
March-spirit. I sought the Continent, and went devious through all its
lands. My fixed desire was to seek and find a good and intelligent
woman, whom I could love: a contrast to the fury I left at
Thornfield-'
'But you could not marry, sir.'
'I had determined and was convinced that I could and ought. It
was not my original intention to deceive, as I have deceived you. I
meant to tell my tale plainly, and make my proposals openly: and it
appeared to me so absolutely rational that I should be considered free
to love and be loved, I never doubted some woman might be found
willing and able to understand my case and accept me, in spite of
the curse with which I was burdened.'
'Well, sir?'
'When you are inquisitive, Jane, you always make me smile. You open
your eyes like an eager bird, and make every now and then a restless
movement, as if answers in speech did not flow fast enough for you,
and you wanted to read the tablet of one's heart. But before I go
on, tell me what you mean by your "Well, sir?" It is a small phrase
very frequent with you; and which many a time has drawn me on and on
through interminable talk: I don't very well know why.'
'I mean,- What next? How did you proceed? What came of such an
event?'
'Precisely! and what do you wish to know now?'
'Whether you found any one you liked: whether you asked her to
marry you; and what she said.'
'I can tell you whether I found any one I liked, and whether I
asked her to marry me: but what she said is yet to be recorded in
the book of Fate. For ten long years I roved about, living first in
one capital, then another: sometimes in St. Petersburg; oftener in
Paris; occasionally in Rome, Naples, and Florence. Provided with
plenty of money and the passport of an old name, I could choose my own
society: no circles were closed against me. I sought my ideal of a
woman amongst English ladies, French countesses, Italian signoras, and
German grafinnen. I could not find her. Sometimes, for a fleeting
moment, I thought I caught a glance, heard a tone, beheld a form,
which announced the realisation of my dream: but I was presently
undeceived. You are not to suppose that I desired perfection, either
of mind or person. I longed only for what suited me- for the antipodes
of the Creole: and I longed vainly. Amongst them all I found not one
whom, had I been ever so free, I- warned as I was of the risks, the